What do you do when you are your own worst enemy?
(Aside from this, of course)
Sorry. Yet another deviation from the previously scheduled topic.
But it occurred to me while ruminating late last night (as I tend to do, because, you know, obviously 3 AM is the very best time in the world to have illuminating and constructive thoughts) that I seem to be afflicted by this most interesting, most idiotic and most destructive combination of pride (“If I’m gonna say I’m gonna do something, I’m goddamn well gonna do it”) and fear (“if I don’t, who will ever take me seriously ever again?”).
Aside from that, I am the type of guy who does cut off his nose to spite his face:
“Yes, I realise I just proposed the winner of the Dick Rowe contest of Most Incredibly Stupid Decisions In The History Of Anything Anywhere Ever, held in the Great Hall of Half-Wit, capital of the protectorate of Boob which was accidentally granted autonomy by the UN after a particularly successful cocktail party.
But if you’re going to call my bluff on it, I will continue on that path intending to greatly surprise you and prove you wrong with my drive, spunk and even greater capacity for lunkheadedness.
Which was probably what you were counting on all along in the first place.”
Obviously I’m not an easy person to live with.
Just ask my cat.
But as the particular bit of insight above is probably no surprise to anyone, you may wonder why I felt it incumbent upon me to dedicate a post to it?
Well, it’s not to pat myself on the back (Shut up. Being the best at anything, even stupidity, is still something, right?), but rather the opposite.
This is actually a very dangerous and very real pitfall. Certainly for me, but the logic is so enticing that I can imagine it would be of more general interest as well.
See, what I suddenly realised is that a very strong motivator to continue on the most destructive path -that of suicide- would be the absolutely insane combination of
- the very strong fear that if I don’t after all this drama, who will ever take me seriously again in anything ever? Because so clearly it was all just a pathetic cry for attention after all. Sad.
- the conviction that I have to. I’m locked on course, and I am unable to deviate.
The die is well and truly cast.
Yes, I am fully aware of how ridiculous and -let’s face it- how weak it sounds.
Weak, because all that is required to not do it, is the simple decision not to.
My horror scenario -and how weird it is to realise that this –this– is what keeps me awake at night- is that someone will go “Meh. I know him. Better even than he knows himself. And I knew he wasn’t gonna go through with it.”
The fictional fear beforehand, that an unnamed someone might already be counting on me to fail at even this, is enough to actually propel me towards a goal I actually would prefer to avoid as a first choice!
Yeah, if you weren’t convinced yet I had a screw loose…
Self-sabotage can take many forms. Even motivational ones that look and feel -if only to myself- like actually really strong and principled character traits.
But they muddy the water.
Questioning motivations for motivations brings about meta-levels of reasoning that in their self-doubting states easily can result in complete stagnation.
But as challenging as it’s going to be; if I am truly going to be able to look myself in the eye and honestly (for once) say I tried and looked at everything, I need to make absolutely sure that I remain very, very vigilant of this pitfall.
It may well be my main one. It is so extremely alluring.
Next post: yeah, I should probably stop doing this. There’s always another thought or in-between post that interferes. Anyway, still will dedicate a post to readers’ comments and suggestions soon!
- Song for the day: