What do you do when you are your own worst enemy?
(Aside from this, of course)
Night Errors
Sorry. Yet another deviation from the previously scheduled topic.
But it occurred to me while ruminating late last night (as I tend to do, because, you know, obviously 3 AM is the very best time in the world to have illuminating and constructive thoughts) that I seem to be afflicted by this most interesting, most idiotic and most destructive combination of pride (“If I’m gonna say I’m gonna do something, I’m goddamn well gonna do it”) and fear (“if I don’t, who will ever take me seriously ever again?”).
Aside from that, I am the type of guy who does cut off his nose to spite his face:
“Yes, I realise I just proposed the winner of the Dick Rowe contest of Most Incredibly Stupid Decisions In The History Of Anything Anywhere Ever, held in the Great Hall of Half-Wit, capital of the protectorate of Boob which was accidentally granted autonomy by the UN after a particularly successful cocktail party.
But if you’re going to call my bluff on it, I will continue on that path intending to greatly surprise you and prove you wrong with my drive, spunk and even greater capacity for lunkheadedness.
Which was probably what you were counting on all along in the first place.”
Yeah.
Obviously I’m not an easy person to live with.
Just ask my cat.
But as the particular bit of insight above is probably no surprise to anyone, you may wonder why I felt it incumbent upon me to dedicate a post to it?
Well, it’s not to pat myself on the back (Shut up. Being the best at anything, even stupidity, is still something, right?), but rather the opposite.
This is actually a very dangerous and very real pitfall. Certainly for me, but the logic is so enticing that I can imagine it would be of more general interest as well.
See, what I suddenly realised is that a very strong motivator to continue on the most destructive path -that of suicide- would be the absolutely insane combination of
- the very strong fear that if I don’t after all this drama, who will ever take me seriously again in anything ever? Because so clearly it was all just a pathetic cry for attention after all. Sad.
- the conviction that I have to. I’m locked on course, and I am unable to deviate.
The die is well and truly cast.
Yes, I am fully aware of how ridiculous and -let’s face it- how weak it sounds.
Weak, because all that is required to not do it, is the simple decision not to.
Right?
And yet.
Pit-iful.
The very idea that I cannot be taken at my word (be that word magnificent or rather silly) is generally anathema to me.
“I said it. So I’ll do it.”
My horror scenario -and how weird it is to realise that this –this– is what keeps me awake at night- is that someone will go “Meh. I know him. Better even than he knows himself. And I knew he wasn’t gonna go through with it.”
The fictional fear beforehand, that an unnamed someone might already be counting on me to fail at even this, is enough to actually propel me towards a goal I actually would prefer to avoid as a first choice!
Yeah, if you weren’t convinced yet I had a screw loose…
Self-sabotage can take many forms. Even motivational ones that look and feel -if only to myself- like actually really strong and principled character traits.
But they muddy the water.
No. Worse.
They’re lies.
Questioning motivations for motivations brings about meta-levels of reasoning that in their self-doubting states easily can result in complete stagnation.
I know.
But as challenging as it’s going to be; if I am truly going to be able to look myself in the eye and honestly (for once) say I tried and looked at everything, I need to make absolutely sure that I remain very, very vigilant of this pitfall.
It may well be my main one. It is so extremely alluring.
Next post: yeah, I should probably stop doing this. There’s always another thought or in-between post that interferes. Anyway, still will dedicate a post to readers’ comments and suggestions soon!
- Song for the day:
Even though I think it is obvious I think I have to point it out as it was similar to the pitfall I dealt and deal with: Do you see how unfair you are being to yourself?
I mean, talk about setting yourself up for that great fall. Daring yourself and daring others to play double jeopardy with you?
With your self control?
With your life?
Saying that you are difficult to live with?
What about the other people?
What about her? Are you going to take responsibility for her actions by setting yourself up to crash because you dared yourself?
I realize I am reacting with a little more venom and anger here than may be warranted since in large parts similar actions and the anger flowing from that happens to me. But this pitfall might look like self preservation to some here, yet to me it looks like you denying yourself to have even the slightest possibility to be happy.
Your sombre inclinations may be your own, a part of you that you just like me would rather not have had. But that does NOT make it your fault.
I’ll stop here.
Just one more thing: I like you. You are the wonderful BIG brother to the sister that I am proud to know and be with. And there is not one voice inside yourself that will make that feeling change in any way. As it is my feeling, my judgement and my voice.
Feel free to write about whatever you want. Healing takes some strange routes and it could well be that writing about what is important to you now, is one way you are helping yourself. Somthing in what you wrote struck my though. As you know, I’m an NLP-master. And one of the core principles of NLP is every behaviour has a positive intention.
NLP makes a clear distinction between intention and outcome. That the outcome sucks majorly does not mean the intention behind the behaviour is negative. Really misguided, not the handiest (because these behaviours often stemm from a time when they did not have better tools), but not negative.
To give you an idea how this might look, your writing in one of these blogs gave me this idea:
Subconscious part I: Right, this won’t do. He’s suffering, every f*ck(my mom won’t let me say these kind of words) time he sleeps, he dreams and he suffers so horribly. If that goes on, he won’t be able to take it any more. He will jump off the balcony. He will die! Cannot let that happen! Gotta prevent that. What can I do? (pause for thinking)
Got it! If he does not sleep, he won’t dream, and then he won’t jump of the balcony. My main purpose in the life of Martijn: prevent him from sleeping. Ain’t I doing a great job?
Subconscious part II: Oh my goodness, Martijn’s so tired. He cannot handle being so immensely tired. He cannot handle this lack of sleep. Everything is so much worse for Martijn because he’s just too tired to handle it all. He really needs to sleep, I must make him go to sleep, otherwise Martijn might go insane and I don’t know what he’ll do then. He might even jump off the balcony! He needs to sleep now!
Martijn dozes off
Subconscious part I: O my God (which Martijn doesn’t believe in), he’s sleeping, he’ll start dreaming, he”ll jump off the balcony!
Starts running around in Martijn’s brain, shaking at different parts.
Wake up! Wake up! Alarm, Wake up.
Martijn wakes up:
Pfff, he’s awake. That went all right. He won’t jump now. Live saved. Didn’t I do well?!!
Subconscious part II: Not again: Martijn’s awake again. And was reliving it again. He woke up in the middle of it and he can’t handle it! I don’t know how much more of this he can take before he jumps off the balcony. I need to make him sleep!
NLP-er: Maybe its time some introductions were made. Subconscious part I, meet subconscious part II. Do you know each other?
some looks are exchanged, clearly these two are not friends.
NLP-er: So, what is your positive intention for Martijn?
Two voices at the same time: I want to prevent him from jumping off the balcony.
Now, of course in a real setting you can never be certain what the positive intentions behind the negative and harmful patterns really are. But in this case, in my mind this could be a very likely scenario. And I’m wondering what the positive intentions behind reliving the dreams are Because often when you figure out what the positive intention is, you also get a handle on a solution.
I really, really advise you to look for a good NLP-coach, the real ones, not the tsjakka variety. But if you are not open to that: go to your doctor and get a good description for sleeping medication, because your body has the rights, and one of them is to sleep. It has been said before, so please tell us you do something about the sleeplesness.
You said it was an option. A door. Not THE only door. I dont see how sticking around would mean you did not keep your word.
You did.
You are.
It is an option. Might remain so for a long time. What you did promise, was to explore all…ALL other options.
You are working on that.
And we will keep on supporting you and hugging you and loving you lots.
…and calling me George?
In all your posts so far you have never once said that the outcome was either inevitable or decided, so this post had me slightly confused at first until understanding hit hard and viciously. You are actually going through this entire process in order to avoid this particular path of destruction, laying bare your deepest drives, fears, and motivators, exposing yourself for the world to see. So, you have not ever said you’d actually perform this specific act and in this act of unfolding your thoughts have provided plenty of evidence you should be taken seriously in whichever endeavour you choose to be involved in. I, and I expect many others with me, would lament the loss of you if in the end it proved to be the only outcome you saw fit.
I don’t even know where to start. I almost literally feel that my breath knocked away. I have been there; the ‘I said it, so now I have to do it’; the ‘I can’t back down now’. Driven by insane images of drama. The fear because I realised that I was going down that road, knowing it, knowing I did not want to go down that road and somehow not being able to deviate from that damnable ramming course.
I feel the urge to implore you not to go down that road. This post hurts more than any so far, because here I accutely know how it feels. I had patient friends around me who made me know I was welcome, and even then the road sometimes proved stronger than my wanting to steer away. Please please please, don’t let that be the reason if you ever decide commit suicide.
(And please know that I want you in my life for many, many more years).
“Please please please, don’t let that be the reason if you ever decide commit suicide.”
EXACTLY the reason why I created this post. I acknowledge that risk as a pretty goddamn serious flaw in my character (masquerading as strength). You are right beyond any kind of argument. Of all the reasons, this must NEVER be the one.
I am aware.
But ridiculous as it sounds, it is still a struggle. I must REMAIN aware.
<3
My Dear Mr. H,
Pardon me for a moment if, in response to you midnight memoirs I recollect a moment from my own journey. I was in a class with the great Dr. James Hollis, a Jungian scholar, and someone mentioned perfectionism. And he stopped and said, “You do realize that perfectionism is an anxiety disorder, right?” My world was rocked in that moment, and a paradigm shifted for me, in how I view myself. I had always taken pride in the perfectionism that plagued me, and had not thought that it was damaging or even an inaccurate target for which to strive. Realizing that anxiety drives perfectionism shone a light to help me realize that it is destructive, and deceitful.
I say that Anxiety is about “What if?” and most of the time, it is an inaccurate predictor.
Depression is about “So what?” and indicates that the person who suffers finds no reason or motivation to go on.
So, Depression is lacking in motivation on a broad and grand scale, and Anxiety is a hyper-motivator – but a cruel one, driving the sufferer into the ground with a never ending cycle of “What ifs?” In regard to Perfectionism, the Anxiety is a particularly cruel taskmaster, because the task is impossible to attain.
The Perfectionism indicates also other personality disorders, as noted here: Multidimensional perfectionism and the DSM-5 personality traits – https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886914001354
The person who suffers from perfectionism is particularly cruel to himself/herself, but counts it all as an insignificant cost to achieve — PERFECTION! But the cost is not small or insignificant. The cost of relentlessly pursuing perfection is the destruction of one’s own soul.
The treatment of perfectionism and other anxieties can be to imagine, So What if you are not perfect? Set yourself free by realizing that the world does not end if you are not perfect. In fact, others will be more comfortable around you when they realize you are no longer holding yourself to an impossible standard.
As you sit upon this precipice and ponder your life, feelings, and general state of being, I would proffer that you have the option to let yourself off the hook. Nobody expects you to be perfect except you, and you are doomed to failure if you attempt it. And DO NOT tell me that you are different and can achieve it, because that is a lie.
Instead of sacrificing and crucifying your own soul for an unattainable goal that everyone already knows you cannot meet, how about letting yourself off the hook, telling yourself it is all right not to be perfect, because none of the rest of us are, either, and find out what happens when you no longer imagine yourself (the key word is, IMAGINE) to be in pursuit of perfection.
Perfectionism is the anxiety I have suffered from the most. I felt that I must be perfect in every way in order to deserve to be loved, and in order to make the most of my life. I felt that physical perfection was a base starting point (very hard if not impossible to achieve), and that academic perfection was next ( I did achieve that, with a 4.0 for doctoral and master’s degrees, and Valedictorian of high school class). There is a self sabotaging subconscious conversation that runs in my mind most of the time, inviting me to criticize myself in order to push myself to further perfection.
I am learning to tell that voice to Fuck Off. I hope that you will give it a try. When the imaginary voice says (lying), that others won’t take you seriously if you don’t do everything you say, you respond with, “I changed my mind because I received different information and facts.” That is the most intelligent thing you can do – revise decisions based on information and facts.