Shatterbrain
What I alluded to in earlier posts and didn’t know until some weeks ago is that I have this new sword of Asclepius hanging over my head. And part of the reason –aside from my usual tendency towards verbosity- of the long build-up to this bit is that it I feel a huge discomfort sharing this information. I have no handle on it.
My more constructive coping mechanisms –like my sense of perspective and humour- fail me completely, and the only one that is on high alert and fully active is the one that screans at me to RUN. Every neuron in my body is firing warnings that I “need to step away from the PC, sir, and lie down on the ground. Right. Now”.
My head is pounding.
My mind is telling me I need to do laundry, washing up, mop the floor, mend the roof, peel the coffee beans and paint the cat as a matter of the highest priority.
But in the words of the late, great Magnus Magnusson: “I’ve started so I’ll finish”.
I’m going to try and be brief here, for a couple of reasons.
- It really fucking hurts and I fear I may lose my nerve if I dwell too long.
- As I said: I have nothing yet. No insights or out-of-the box vision.
- Without the required medical skills or knowledge, I do not feel all that comfortable drawing my own conclusions or going too in-depth.
So the diagnosis of a truly horrendous battery of psychological tests came back with the following:
The SCID-5 is a semi-structured interview technique to diagnose DSM personality disorders.
DSM-5 is the fifth update to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the authoritative mental disorders guide and diagnostic tool.
Will The Defendant Please Rise?
The diagnosis that was returned was that I scored (and for once that is not a good thing) on borderline , narcissistic and dramatic/histrionic personality disorder scales.
“That sounds fairly horrific, Mister H.!”, I hear you ask. “What does it all mean?”
Well, basically these are the general recognisable traits connected to each disorder:
Borderline: excessive fear of abandonment; suicidal tendencies
— Myeah. Hard to deny. OK.
Narcissistic: inflated sense of self-importance (even when there’s no evidence to support that) and have a great need for admiration.
— Ahem. Yes. Well. Let’s quickly move on.
Histrionic: needs to be centre of attention; tends towards self-dramatisation
— How DARE you, Sir? Melodramatic? MOI? I know NOT of what you SPEAK! Assuredly, NOT I!)
However, not to panic. Just yet.
None of these scores even came close to the “cut-off” of a proper personality disorder. So these are “merely” character traits (or weaknesses, if you will), more or less under control, although potentially adding to the disruption in a perfect constellation of negative circumstances.
Where I scored significantly though was on the scale of the Compulsive Personality Disorder: a preoccupation with details at the cost of an actual goal; a need for perfectionism that interferes with actually being able to achieve results; a serious problem with delegation of responsibilities and a strong tendency to be directive.
Meh. Sounds about right: so I strive for perfection, because, you know, I am pretty goddamn awesome, and all I need is for the peoples of the world is to acknowledge my obvious, shining brilliance (and if they won’t, I’ll happily guide them to that insight).
So far so good?
Well, hang on.
Now all of this is embedded in a defective personality structure.
Interpretation and diagnosis of these and other test results yield a certain profile.
Without getting too technical that profile indicates that my coping mechanisms are… I think the technical phrase is “fucked up”.
Let me explain.
Balloonybin
Imagine that a normal, adult coping mechanism is a kind of balloon. It gets filled (“inflated”) by learning the proper way to deal with situations throughout your life. If catastrophe strikes the balloon absorbs the impact, and while it may (temporarily) twist, bend or reshape under the pressure, it will revert to its original shape (or a similar workable one) over time.
Now imagine my balloon.
Apparently it is full of holes. Completely perforated.
And here’s me, working like crazy to keep it inflated by blowing air into it continuously. Obviously that’s fairly exhausting, but you know, it works just fine in normal circumstances.
Now imagine catastrophe striking.
A death, a relationship failing, losing a job. Pretty high stress level events even in normal circumstances.
My balloon cannot absorb the blow. It bursts. It is shredded in the wink of an eye.
From one moment to the next I am utterly naked, unprotected, in a state of utter panic and incomprehension. I have nothing to bring to bear to deal with it. To help protect me.
And this is the thing that propels me into the most self-destructive, hateful, self-loathing, deep black depression: as far as my mind and every single psychological mechanism I have gathered in my life is concerned I am utterly alone and vulnerable.
Yes. I may be a mental giant.
But apparently I am an emotional baby.
Well fuckin’ dada..I mean hurrah.
This particular defective personality structure is called a Borderline Personality Organisation.
Please don’t get hung up on the name.
I cannot emphasise this enough: I do NOT suffer from Borderline personality disorder. It is the personality structure/organisation that is doing me in.
Yeah? We good? Good.
A Treatment Of Human Nature
This is where therapy comes in.
I mentioned this before: the psychiatrist (well, actually the intern to the assistant to the psychiatrist. They’re really busy people over there) told me that this is now very treatable by a technique called ‘schema therapy’.
In brief:
1. Schema therapy endeavours first to find the base reason for certain behavioural and thought patterns.
2. Then analyse the coping styles and “mind states” that have developed as an effect of these patterns.
3. Then it attempts and readjust those, based on whatever the patient’s basic emotional needs were found in that first phase to not have been met.
So yeah, there’s a clear element of cognitive therapy in there (which helps changing response and behaviour by changing thought).
— This costs – I can tell you from experience- a ton of energy and time.
And then there’s an element of classic psychoanalysis, in that you get to revisit all the things your parents did or omitted (and, if you’re lucky, get to blame them for it! Woohoo!)
— Which normally takes many, many years.
It’s confirmed by professionals and literature alike: it’s a process of years.
Which I suggested before is something I would certainly have taken on twenty years, and maybe ten years ago. But now? Start again? On an even harder and longer path? Pffff…
And then of course, just when you think you now at least know these murky waters you swim in… oops.
Diagnosisn’t
Upon re-reading the diagnoses yesterday I found some references to something else that wasn’t touched upon during the three (!) review sessions we have had since. Which methinks would warrant some discussion, not to mention a few well-chosen harsh words, next time.
The text actually a few times refers to a Narcissistic Personality Organisation.
I have had a day to read up on that, and it is in many ways not markedly different from the Borderline Personality Organisation.
But every text agrees on the same very markedly different and crushing distinction (and I am translating and paraphrasing several treatises I found on this in Dutch):
Treating people <like this> is a very long and arduous affair because their defence mechanisms are so deeply ingrained and part of their personality that they cannot find, see or accept them, leave alone any help in changing them. Treatment is very difficult and takes a very long time. It is extremely hard to reach patients like this, and they are not open to change.
Well.
Wake up and smell the coffin.
It is interesting, sobering, humbling and a little saddening to see that in a very few short weeks I have gone from at least the pretence of knowing everything to merely one absolute certainty.
Next post: I’ll finally get to the suicide bits! I have been dying to do that!
- Song for the day:
- Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/4IbVr62gqYndl6TrmMslGy?si=ATat5WoZRcSNaH-tYVlD7A
“We ate the food, we drank the wine
Everybody having a good time
Except you
You were talking about the end of the world“
Dear H.,
I will not repeat what other posters already touched upon, but I want to add something.
For me one of the most touching phrases you wrote were these:
“Yes. I may be a mental giant.
But apparently I am an emotional baby.”
I recognise the pattern of having a formidable mind, and an emotional side that is not allowed to come out and play that much (out of fear of being hurt, out of fear of not surviving, out of fear, …).
I used to have very few therapists that could help me, because I could play mind games (litteraly) with them and myself, keeping myself blocked.
My journey of the last 10-15 years has been to come to the realisation that ‘yes’, I have a formidable mind, but my emotional side is just as strong, just as wise (if not wiser) than my rational mind. The previous 10 year were spent using my mind in therapeutic form. It got me to a certain point, but then I got stuck.
So now I got to the point where my mind trusts the wisdom of my emotions and gut feeling and it doesn’t try to overtake everything all of the time, and have everything ‘under controle’.
Because my mind has ALWAYS my best interest in mind (pun intended). It always tries to protect me from harm, from pain it experienced before and wants me to stay clear from.
And thus it has created coping mechanisms, and defenses, and…
It also made me quite the perfectionist.
However, some of these coping mechanisms, some of these defences are constructs created by a child, facing emotions it couldn’t handle. Yet as an adult, we can react differently to the situation. And still, we use the coping mechanisms that have long been honed to perfection, and no longer question if there are better ways to deal with the problems facing us.
For that purpose, the mind is a very bad advisor. It will try to keep us in the old defensive patterns (because they had served us well) and will not let us even risk trying another way (because the consequences could be dire, the mind whispers).
I have learned that the fear the mind keeps us in, is far worse than the actual emotional storm (could be just a wind actually).
There are many ways to dive into the emotionel side of you, and to allow it room. There are definitely therapists out there that can help you (although rarely in the psychiatrists circles).
My husband found and I also use tantra (which uses the body as a gateway to let emotions out) to allow everything that is in us to just be, and to fully accept all of us.
Now, however, you dear sir, have the added difficulty of depression. Which causes your emotional storm to be quite a bit heavier than other people’s storms. And I fully acknowledge that.
But even in your case, opening up to your emotions, and allowing that side of you to grow up (not be an emotional baby as you put it) might very well save you.
And, this is the point I wanted to make, sorry that it tool me so long to get there, the path of opening up to your emotions is a very lang path, that might indeed take years, but the relieve comes relatievely quickly in the process.
It’s one of those experiences where you start, and then it becomes a way of life. You are never done learning, but you don’t mind that much.
There are a few tantrica’s that have battled with severe depression and have found relieve in tantra. If you want I can bring you in contact with them.
Your also very welcome to come over and do some therapy sessions with my favorite therapists (one is an MD) that use healing techniques that do not (always) involve the mind (energetic healing, biodynamica, …) . In the beginning my mind was screaming at me ‘proof to me that this works, because I can’t understand how this could work’, but it did work, and my mind has come to accept it as valuable tools.
And as you can see I (and my mind 😉 ) are happy advocates to go to these therapists and dive into these emotional processes.
I’m a happier person, I’m still walking the road, but it didn’t take me 20 years to get to a happy place. I got there quite quickly, and I’m just continuously walking to keep myself happy.
I wish you the same.
Elin.Vanlierde has a beautiful, and true, post. Much of what Elin writes I have experienced, also. I was intellectually gifted but emotionally damaged, and thus would sometimes (and truthfully I still do this) use my formidable mental abilities to navigate whatever situation I found myself in. And, if I feel threatened and defensive, I can annihilate an opponent (or PERCEIVED opponent) with my words. I took my defenses a step further and studied several forms of martial arts, in effect ensuring that I was in control (or so I thought) of who is in my space.
When I realized that my beloved defense mechanisms had suddenly become two-edged swords, cutting me as well as others, I felt betrayed. And quite angry. This was not fair, I thought.
Elin is correct that not every therapist can help you. I have a PhD in psychology and while I am willing to learn from anyone, I actually had a therapist say to me, “I don’t know what you need from me.” ( Thus confirming the effectiveness of my defenses and intellect, and at the same time, offering a perfect example of how they isolate me.)
I would not wish the pain of my experience on anyone (finding that your survival mechanisms are killing you), But, the despair is temporary. And your brilliant mind can kick back in, and will, once your emotions heal.
Elin’s excellent post hits home with me. When I was going through my worst time my mind was working overtime and I could not get a grasp on why I was feeling so terrible. I had visited psychologists and after some time always figured out they couldn’t help or add to what I already knew, and would convince them and myself that I was fine. Until I wasnt fine anymore, but just didnt know where to turn. In my despair I went to a coaching seminar, which ended with a ‘connected breathing’ session from this coach at the end. Had I known what I was in for I would have never gone, strange spiritual hippies, I was full of judgement and resistance.
But I found myself on the floor doing it, yelling, bawling my eyes out, in utter agony. something in me was stirred in that session. For weeks after I felt terrible. Emotional. And infuriated by this coach and everything to do by this organizarion. Violated and ashamed even for letting myself go. I acted out terribly, emailed, called, posted rants on their website. Nothing I did made it any less.
After about a month of my rebellion I got an insight. Something in me had been stirred. And even though it hurt like hell, it meant something HAD HAPPENED, he had got me to FEEL something. I revisited this coach three times after this. The first time I was sick to my stomach knowing I was going to see him. Physically agressive. He was brilliant and helped me get angy. I screamed, yelled and fought at him for hours. After this afternoon I remember very clearly returning home, feeling I had been on a holiday for weeks. Something had shifted in me and felt much quieter, lighter. The pressure and urgency was off. Yes, there was still hurt and anger, but it was no longer about to burst and spill over.
It took a long time to clean up all the emotions I had been putting away safely and to reprogram myself, which thoughts and feelings to listen to. I have been trying out all kinds of alternative ways to get in touch with myself that I would never have allowed myself before because of my own judgement. Some work great, some not at all but at least interesting. But as I started off working on myself and allowing myself to also feel the bad stuff, it cleaned up, it dark got less and less, there was now room to also let in light again.
Now I try to no longer fight my emotions, even if I dont understand them. I cry when i need to cry. If I cannot allow myself to I even set aside time for it. I see it as part of my mental hygene now. If you hold up your pee for too long its also going to have to come out one way or another, and be very uncomfortable and urgent. Better check in regularly if I need to ‘go’ and keep some control. Same with emotions.
Thanks for your honest and very personal words, Elin (and no less the similarly strong and meaningful reactions from both Lucy and Jewel).
Your journeys are very much like those of the classic epic explorers, fraught with risk, pain, realisation, disappointment and adaptation. And for this you deserve nothing but the deepest respect.
As you rightly surmise, I too have struggled with a disconnect between my emotional and my cognitive processes…but I have been able to bridge that gap a fairly long time ago. If only by learning to admit these emotions and allow them the room they need, even if and when I could not fathom their ‘message’ to me…which sometimes seemed entirely contradictory to what I thought I needed.
Good example is a time some 8 years ago: work went perfectly and I had everything under control. Nice house. Plenty of money. Lovely girl friend. Sure, my dad was dying, but I was helping guiding and supporting that process very effectively. Everything under control.
Except of course my body and my anxieties were telling me my world was collapsing: nightmares, mood swings, you name it.
Long story short: of course I was on the verge of a massive burn-out and hugely overburdened. So of course my emotions were right. I was just not ready to admit it yet.
So while I read your comments and find them very inspiring, that’s not where I am currently breaking down.
My complete and utter disconnect in handling “real life” is due to the fact that my emotional coping apparently is completely broken. I am in touch with it. Completely (or at least honestly not that badly). But sadly, that is exactly the thing that is destroying me.
When I say I am an emotional baby, I mean literally that: whenever I can’t deal, my emotions tell me -every goddamn time- that this is the end of days, the final proof of my being undeserving to live. And while that message -I can of course mentally reason out- is completely false, my entire emotional being to the very core knows this to be the truth.
Welcome to my personality disorder, ladies and gentlemen.
Step right up, but don’t come too close.
Stuff might break.
🙁
Dear Mr. H, …
Dear? Already? Yes… and why? Because you are a human being and therefore alone deserve to be cared for. Because you are loved by people I in turn love. Because your words, state of mind and … well, actually everything… hits home.
Anyway, dear Mr. H., I wonder. With all I have been through (and trust me if I say it has been quite a bit, just ask your sister, or better yet ask me if you REALLY want to know…), I have always found something to cherish. The tiniest spark of something that I saw beauty in, or love, or just sparked my mind in some way. And even though it may seem it is hopeless, empty, not worth anything, etc etc…it has always kept me from stepping over the edge.
Okay, so a lot of bla bla from my side, but the question actually being: what has been your spark? What has been your reason to stop and keep away from the edge up till now? What (to use a tried expression) “makes you tick”?
No, no tactics, no therapeutic nonsense: you are still here, with us (which is much appreciated), and I would like to understand you.
Hi Marianne, thanks for your question.
It’s not hard: why I never came too close to the edge for true discomfort anymore is simply because I thought the depression was the root and cause of it all. And I can (with some help and some love, both from others and myself) deal with depression.
I have fully accepted depression is a part of my life. And always will be.
Suicidal thoughts are part and parcel of that. Always. Sometimes enticing. Sometimes forcefully pressuring. Sometimes merely whispering.
Others have rheumatism. Others are deaf. I have this.
It’s just the way things are.
This new information, these explanations (finally!) why I do these incredibly destructive things, why I am completely unable to deal with any kind of disappointment was an earthquake, and fed into the depression directly.
I used to think I had it under control.
I was wrong about every. Single. Thing.
And that is what has led me to where I am now.
Glad to see more people stumbled over the whole narcisist thing (and more!). I was even contemplating whether or not you might * think* you fit the narcissist picture because it has become a form of self defense. You do not feel you are worthy. This is the ENTIRE other end of the scale.Great place to hide!
And there is a lot of grey in between.
In this era we are all social media narcissists. I don’t think it’s ever been different in another era, just in different ways. So yea, I completely agree with the ‘we all have bits and pieces of the narcisssist and others in us’ statement.
Of course this does not help with the whole ‘getting a handle on this thing’, but I’d rather go fish a bit more with all of us than let you believe you are such an extreme narcisssist. You, who read to me for hours when I had an eye infection, who everyone hoped would be the one making their Sinterklaas surprise because of the length you’d go through to make it enjoyable. You, who have ever been at beck and call of anyone in need.
Did I mention I love you?
I haven’t know you very long, and I find it quite tricky to try to add to this precarious subject. But here goes..
There are a few things that don’t add up in my head.
Ever since you mentioned ‘narcistic’ I have been trying to place this. I have experienced narcissists and people very close to them. You might have scored on a scale of these disorders, but you are not just the sum of your disorders, you are much more than the disorders. I might have not experienced you for a long time, so I will try to judge from other factors. I see loads of responses of people who have known you forever, and they respect and love you deeply. They have empathy, intelligence and seem to be pretty great people all around. You have gathered these people around you. You. If you were half as bad as you feel you are right now they would not be here rallying for you. When I hear you speak about them it is with love. You have empathy, you are generous, you hurt when you hurt someone, you are self-aware and responsible. You might be on a scale somewhere after doing tests, but it does not define who you are as a whole.
We shortly discussed weather a strong mind is a blessing or a curse in this case. You saw it as a blessing. I am still not sure. It might also make that you find it hard to let go, have some faith, and to trust in the expertise of your specialists. You read up on your diagnosis and make your own judgement based on what you find on other cases. But you are not other cases. Your process is unique, you do not know what your process will be and are deciding based on your worst fears. Which means you are already suffering it. What are the odds that it will be that worst case scenario? You might have stopped fighting the possible outcome of suicide, do you think you could also explore not fighting against the idea of treatment? Might sound harsh but suicide will always still be an option, even if you do decide to commence on the trip.
But before that:
You mentioned you are a perfectionist. I feel like, also in this subject, you have set the bar to impossible for yourself ánd that you are way ahead of yourself. You have had the toughest, shitty things happen this year, with life changes and shattered dreams and all. Any ‘normal’ profiled person would be heartbroken and blown away with all that has happened. And in your shredded balloon and naked vulnerability state you are trying to make this all encompassing decision before you have good and well worked though this.
You say it’s not about the broken relationship. I believe that you feel there are things you would want to work out. But can it be that this is a distraction from the hurt you are feeling at the moment? is this the time to do or decide upon this? She was the catalyst, if she had not left, would you feel this way? Yes, the problem might still be underlaying but perhaps less all-consuming and impossible a task than it feels now, which would seem you cannot trust your reasoning and emotions at the moment. You are at the bottom of a pit and from where everything seems huge and unbearable. Perhaps take a few steps back and just grieve, grieve the loss of your relationship which was a huge part of your life, grieve the heartbreak of your new love and grieve the loss of the hopes and dreams you had. Find a way in your new changed life. This is terrible, heartwrenching pain of now and past which you would also feel and would also hit you like a truck if you had not had your misfortune of disorders.
One step at a time. You are making yourself decide wether or not to climb the whole Himalaya by trying to fix all that is wrong at once. And you’d better do it quick or else. Yeah, you’re brilliant, but not very patient or loving with yourself. You don’t have to see the top to start climbing. Try to make it to base camp. From there make the next decision. And the next. And the next.
You have been frank I shall be, also.
You might recall that this is in my area of expertise for my doctoral dissertation. I spent decades studying personality pathology. Thank you for pointing out that my dissertation, which is still being downloaded all over the world, is probably being used by terrorists. 🙂 So my responses come from a lot of academic study, as well as observation.
Alexander is correct when he chose not to Endeavor to read up on what the psychiatrist recommends. Or to try to understand his own diagnosis. I can see some cognitive and logical errors that you are making in your assessment of yourself and your path forward because you are trying to get a grasp on very complex issues that are being presented to you in a very short period of time and it looks like you haven’t even talked to the actual psychiatrist but instead are speaking to assistants.
Everyone has a measure of narcissism in their personality. We can measure psychopathy for everyone. It is on a sliding scale as are the other Psychopathic traits. So the most important thing that you report here, is that you do not have a significant or weighted enough score to push you into a personality disorder. Also, when we are wounded or upset, though some in clinical practice would argue otherwise, we can score differently on some of these tests than we would when all is going well. It’s like taking a snapshot of you on your worst day, and then saying we are going to categorize you and define you by your worst snapshot on your worst day ever. And that is just simply not realistic or practical. You need to take all of this in context. When you read about the narcissistic structure, and what someone wrote about these individuals being difficult, he was talking about those who are full-blown narcissists. I have known a number of them. You are not one. They are tremendously lacking in empathy and cannot if you pay them put themselves in another person’s shoes. They can do extraordinary really well in business if they are socialized well and have good etiquette and verbal ability. But this is not you. I do not know what happened to create the root cause of wound or hurt that has created the tremendous pain associated with relationships. But I do know that narcissism which you are not diagnosed with, is an attachment disorder created when a child is unable to bond with its caretakers. That’s one Theory anyway. I think you put on a show in order to hide your true feelings. Who doesn’t do that? Everybody does that. And once again, everyone would measure somewhere on a sliding scale of psychopathy. There are a few rare souls and they are usually victims and quite gullible who are so low on the scale as to Warrant concern that they will be taken advantage of.
I am a bit pissed off that the end turn to the assistant to the psychiatrist is delivering your results to you. These sorts are fresh out of college and fresh out of the books, but do not have a lot of experience, though they are eager to share their books learning. I think it sounds like you took one of these inexperienced people’s explanation of your diagnosis and carried it too far. As I said, I have studied this for decades. You are not as psychologically or pathologically condemned as you believe. I’m going to pull rank on you here. In terms of your assessment. I have a PhD in this area. You have over inflated because of your hurt, pride, and shame, the impact of a diagnosis that is fluctuating in terms of what it means. I do not trust all psychologists or psychiatrists. What you did, I believe, was take the discussion on your diagnosis from a very inexperienced person and ran off to do your own study and draw your own conclusions. That is a major mistake. If you are making drastic choices based on that, that is not logical. I’m sure if I went in for an assessment they would have a lot to say about me and in a critical way. However, why do you think I conducted my own studies and got my own credentials in this field? While working in business I might add. Psychology and Psychiatry are in exact Sciences. We cannot conduct an MRI as we would in the medical field and show a picture of your soul and say oh! There’s a spot right there! Let’s measure it and see how much pathology we can find! It doesn’t work like that. A lot of psychology and Psychiatry is subjective and interpretation and also the dynamic of your treatment is highly dependent upon your relationship with your psychiatrist.
You panicked too soon. Though you are disappointed with your diagnosis this is no reason based on the scale of the report to make drastic choices because honestly, this was not that bad. I believe the pain you are feeling comes from the recent relationship problems. Unless that pain exacerbates this situation.
I do not accept your diagnosis as you have printed it and shared it, as a terrible one. Or even that pathological.
Thank you, Jewel. You touch on a number of really very good points I need to ponder. Reason I know they’re good is that I feel “caught out”. Defensive, even. And THAT means my ol’ friends the Coping Mechanisms are in full fling.
I will revisit you excellent comment in one of my future posts,
A different thought is how grateful I am that you are willing to share this.
On the one hand the words hurt, because I so much wish you a happy, healthy and prosperous life.
And on the other hand your words help me reflect on things. Not in the least the fact that I am truly glad that I cannot fully comprehend what you are going through, because my situation never felt that dark. And as much as I love you, for my own sake I hope I never will.
I remember the first time I sought professional help. It was still DSM3 (or 4, I neither remember nor care much). One of the main emotions was one of intense relief: there ís something wrong (with me), I am not making this up. Up until then I was of the firm conviction that if I only slept well and manned up it would all be okay. The diagnosis at that time was a relief and the subsequent therapy helped me. Not as much as I might have wanted, but it helped.
The second time I sought help was a different situation. Others were involved. I realised that ‘this is not who I want to be; hów I want to be’. The diagnosis left me with a feeling of recognition. The fact that I could put names to it gave me a tentative handle. The therapy was much longer and went deeper. I did not really read up on things. Evasive maneouvres, so to speak. I do not know if it would have helped me.
Reading this Part Two part of me is glad I did not. The shrink told me it was well-treatable and I went with that. It was a long, hard road and it was not the final solution I had thought/hoped it would. But I am glad for every long, hard, confronting step of that journey.
Now, as then, I find that I remain a basically optimistic person.
I cannot carry your burden, Mr. H. You did not ask, I know. And even if I could, I am not sure I would. That is a difficult realisation. But even though I cannot carry your burden, I will support you for all I am worth, regardless of where the road leads. You have my sword (and bow, and axe; I have them).
I acknowledge that I may have made a mistake in reading up.
I should have waited until my next appointment to verify.
It has fed the fear I already have the hardest time controlling.
It is hard to admit that, as it is akin to admitting to my tunnel vision. Knowing you have that is one thing. It is another entirely when it is pointed out…
For what its worth, I too tried to dig into my own anamnesis. Made a fuss about it too. In this I understand the feeling from which it stems: you want to be done with it as soon as possible. To stop the hurt.
Don’t beat yourself up over wanting the hurting to stop.
Uhm… yah. Well. I would not have taken you for a narcist, but what I do see from you is that you very much like to use masks which you do I think as a safety precaution.
Let me put it in other words: are you now setting yourself up for that failure?
I mean, already stating that that narcist in you would like to dominate the field and make it impossible for you?
Dear brother in law of mine,
As I said before, you cannot fail me. For even though you say “But now? Start again? On an even harder and longer path? Pffff…”, you have already started.
I won’t pretend it will not be hard.
I know it is friggin’ hard.
But it is worth the effort.
You are worth the effort.
I have no more masks to take off.
All I have left is the realisation that my logic, my vision may be flawed. Which means I have to strip even further. And it already hurts.
Quite badly.
I realize my mistake now. I hate seeing you hurt, and want to help. Trying to offer ways to find a way back out.
Its a familiar mistake even.
Trying to analyze in fields I am not proficient in other than through own experiences. I’ve been at the receiving end of such psych analyses and remember how I responded. It didn’t go well.
What Jewel says about the analysis being a snapshot makes sense. I hope that it will give you a bit of room to breathe in and out again.